You really coming over, don't trick.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
