i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How does one acquire holy water?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
