I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
