Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so let's talk penis.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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