Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize