Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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