Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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