True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
