Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize