All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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