That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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