When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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