I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize