everyone is single if you try hard enough
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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