The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
