you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
