So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize