New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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