if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
