he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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