my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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