Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
