a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
