I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize