Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
