Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
