After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
