Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
