If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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