I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
