Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
