Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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