I think i peed on brittanys purse
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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