Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
