I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
