Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I lost the right to judge tonight
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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