I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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