I didn't shave. On purpose
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A bitchslap is in order.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
