Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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