no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
