When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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