I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
