What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
