I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
