i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
