Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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