I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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