If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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