So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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