Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think people are normalizing furries
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
