and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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