Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
