Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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