its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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