Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
