Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
