I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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