i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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